Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
