he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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