hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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