I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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