If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Naked. naked and bneed help.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
