I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
