yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Randomize
