everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
