In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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