Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
