dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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