I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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