I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Just invented taco cereal.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
