i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
