I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
