and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
