the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
