A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
