we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
