I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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