"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
