Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
