i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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