fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
