One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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