the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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