I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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