We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
