I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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