you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
