I could make wine with my vomit
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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