I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
