Old men and throwing up are my life now.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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