Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
