Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
