she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
