I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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