Please don't use social media to get back at me.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
