oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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