You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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