He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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