is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Randomize
