Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
