when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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