two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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