also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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