Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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