did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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