I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
