apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
